cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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