life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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