dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
PANTIES FOUND
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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