Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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