I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Randomize
