Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
