the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
