i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
