so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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