Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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