The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize