Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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