my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
