if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
How drunk are you?
Completed.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
