Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
