so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
