I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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