I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
