I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
