I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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