Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
