No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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