He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
