We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
