First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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