Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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