...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
They are going to name an STD after you.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
