oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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