I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
