i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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