you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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