To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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