I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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