I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I'm both gender and math confused
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
