I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Dick very happy bro
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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