every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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