i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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