Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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