i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
