I could have mohawked her pubes.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
