Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
