Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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