I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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