so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
