Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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