If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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