I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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