i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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