It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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