I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
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I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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