Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
