You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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