birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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